Post # 44: Yes/And…

Thursday’s Inner Work on Wholeness

Photo by Eduard Delputte on Unsplash

I’m going to begin with two excerpts from A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD, a book I wrote with Michelle Frank, PsyD ( 2019, New Harbinger.) These passages from Chapter Six called “Restore to Wholeness”, beautifully express the idea of wholeness and how that relates to the concept we call Yes/And. This kind of thinking and integrated self -view can reduce harsh internal criticism and promote a feeling of well-being.

“We can begin to see ourselves as whole, complex human beings instead of in pieces, incomplete, and from a distorted point of view. This is not sugar coating the struggles of ADHD. This is not saying ADHD is a gift in itself. It’s not so black or white, good or bad, all or nothing. This perspective is saying, “I have many parts that make up who I am, as do all human beings. Mine might be a little more difficult to put in a neat little bundle or cohesive self- picture, but now that I am diagnosed and have that piece, I can begin to understand the other parts of me that have been masked, ignored, misunderstood, or just plain missed all these years.”

”Healing means to “restore to wholeness.” In order to heal, we need to be able to hold all of who we are in one whole image that embraces a widely diverse set of characteristics. That means no longer over-focusing on just your challenges or only on your strengths. Each of us is a complex human being.

We all have changing perspectives, varying moods, periods of irrationality and other times of clarity. Sometimes we yell at someone we love and we feel bad, and other times we are heartbreakingly kind to a stranger. We are all many things at different times, even within the course of a single day. This complexity increases with an ADHD brain that fluctuates and reacts according to the conditions it is operating in at any given time.”

copyright 2019 Solden, Frank

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For our Inner Work this week, I suggest you consider the idea that it’s not enough to simply get rid of “bad thoughts.”

They need to be gradually crowded out and replaced with authentic, positive views of oneself. If you’ve had years of distorted thinking—distorted interpretations of your experiences—there is a big internal narrative to correct.

These old narratives are hard to change because they work like a filter. They keep out any information that doesn’t fit the story you’ve built over years as a result being misunderstood or dismissed by yourself and others. So we gradually have to shift the lens and build a new narrative.

You can’t just “think positively” or command yourself to stop certain thoughts. Over time, through positive experiences that stick, you build a new internal scaffolding—a new set of “shelves” to store those positive experiences. We’re not aiming for a quick fix; we’re building, step by step, a more grounded and positive experience of yourself that will last and form a new story.

Then, when something new happens, you’ll have a place on your internal “shelf” to put it. It can stack and layer, like a real closet that’s organized. If your mental “closet” is just cluttered with old, unexamined beliefs, it’s hard to make room for new ideas about who you are.

What we are aiming for is a more nuanced, integrated view: a whole person made up of many pieces.

You may very well be used to thinking in black-and-white: good or bad, success or failure, worthy or unworthy. We don’t just want “grey” blandness—we want a full, rich spectrum. Strong likes and dislikes are fine. We just want all your sides represented, not only the self-critical ones.

Otherwise, you end up stuck with the same old narrative, harshly reinforced again and again. If you flesh out the full picture of yourself, you’re more likely to recognize when a new experience actually matches your real strengths and your core values, instead of automatically defaulting to an overly harsh perception of yourself and your achievements.

Here are the prompts for the Inner Work Reflections this week

(adapted from A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD (2019)

Reflections: Moving Closer to Wholeness

Below are several prompts to help you assess and reflect upon various aspects of your life with ADHD including your strengths, challenges, personal attributes, and values.

Strengths:

What are your zones of competency? What do you do really well that seems to come naturally?

ADHD Challenges:

What are your most challenging ADHD symptoms?

Personal Attributes:

What special qualities have you always had that you still embody? For example: Perseverance, determination, sense of humor, a fresh perspective, persistence, kindness, sensitivity, caring, compassion, hard work, creativity, originality.

After you do those reflections, write a “wholeness statement” that is in the form of YES/ AND .

This is a statement of me as a whole person, including my strengths, challenges, personal traits, and values: ____________________________________

I’ll give it a try:

I am a woman with an ability to understand and write about feelings and I have a great deal of trouble with organizing papers and ideas and I am very warm and caring, and hard- working and I am very messy!

Your turn:

I am a woman with:

*these kind of challenges, and

*these kinds of strengths and

*these kinds of inner qualities.

If you’d like to explore these kinds of ideas more, our first reflection zoom group will meet on June 12 at 4 PM eastern.

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