Post #14: Trial by Fire

My Mini Professional Memoir (Part Two)

Photo by Ruru Lulu on Unsplash

Last week, in Post #9, I wrote about what happens when I mixed Ritalin with the truth—and how that changed my life. This is what happened after that.

Last week I said I could call this next phase of my life a “trial by fire.”

I looked up the phrase and found this:

“A ‘trial by fire’ is a challenging experience or test, often undertaken without proper preparation, that evaluates a person’s abilities, endurance, or character under intense pressure. It implies a situation where one must immediately learn, adapt, or succeed, or else fail.”

That pretty much describes those years for me exactly!

Looking back, I think what gave me the “guts” to do what I did, really was a trial by fire.

Out of naïveté.
Out of innocence.

I truly did not realize I was breaking the rules of the male academic world that controlled so much of the ADHD landscape back then: the “official” truths about who had ADHD and what it looked like.

Not only didn’t I know I was breaking the rules, I didn’t even know there were rules to break.

You see, back then,(late 80’s and very early 90s), the discussion about ADHD was about hyperactive little boys causing trouble. The conferences consisted of mostly white, mostly male academics telling parents and teachers what to think and what to do about it.

There was no interference from other adults and especially not from women!

At that time, the word “adult” in the acronym CHADD, was nowhere to be found, only children it seemed had Attention Deficit Disorder. There was no organization for adults (ADDA) way back when.

And as I said in my last post about this, there I was: a woman who had barely spoken up in meetings, suddenly saying out loud what I was seeing in my adult women clients, writing it down, and putting it out into the world.

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Next week I will tell you how I came to write the book (which is a story in itself), but today I will skip ahead to 1995, when my book Women with ADHD was published.. .

It was my first real taste of being taken seriously on a large national level. With that came recognition, validation, and the healing effect of being seen. The camaraderie and collegiality with others doing similar work was powerful and very rewarding.

And right alongside it, came the pushback.

Things had changed somewhat by then but the field of adult ADHD and women with ADHD were still in their early days. CHADD had recently changed its name to include adults and ADDA was in its golden early days.

The Trial by Fire Came at a National Conference in 1996.

In the spring of 1996, I had recently been recognized and honored by one large national organization for my work.

A few months later, I was invited to speak at another conference—more traditional, more dominated by the old guard.

So Picture this:

• A huge ballroom

• 100s of attendees

• Lights down

• An esteemed male keynote speaker on the big stage

• I’m in the middle of a packed row, surrounded by colleagues and supporters, relaxed, feeling excited about being an invited speaker.

I was completely taken by surprise then, when on the giant screen, appeared my book cover!

My “celebration” had lasted barely a month before it turned into what I felt, because of my early wounding, like a public shaming. One month I was being honored. The next month, my book was on a giant screen being used as a cautionary tale.

The keynote “expert”—someone very used to defining ADHD on his own terms—used my book as an example of the dangers that could happen when you let women define their own experiences.

He dismissed the traits and struggles women had been telling me about for years and the reality of adults with ADHD.

Afterward, all the women in that ballroom protested. It became a bit of a cause célèbre for a few days.

Meanwhile, I hid in my hotel room, trying to recover, knowing I was scheduled to give a very large talk to the entire conference in just a couple of days.

“Should I just go home? Maybe I didn’t belong there.”
All my old shame came roaring back—memories of Mr. Clark in seventh grade, handing my papers back with red marks all over them:

“This is a mess.”

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Systems Resist Change

This is where the real soul‑searching came in.

I did what I now know many women with ADHD do when they hit a wall:

I dug deep.

I drew upon everything I knew about women with ADHD and what happens when one person in a system starts to change in a healthy way, when a person decides to no longer self-silence.

I worked very hard, not just on the speech I had to give, but on my own courage.

I had one of those decision “moments”( lasting two days) that change the course of a life.

I could have shut down, gone home, stayed small..

But then…

I remembered all the women who had written to me. All the women I had counseled who shared their inner worlds with me. I remembered the professionals who resonated with my work.

I gathered my support.
I gathered my thoughts.
I gathered my guts.

By the time of my talk, two days later, in front of a very large room full of professionals and men and women with ADHD, with loads of supporters for whom I realized I was speaking truth to power, I spoke my truth—about myself, about ADHD, about women, about power, and about what happens when a woman speaks her truth in a system that isn’t ready to hear it.

I addressed what had happened directly, and then I broadened the lens.

I spoke about the pushback that occurs in all systems—families, marriages, workplaces, and professional communities—when one person changes and breaks out of a prescribed role.

· The messages we receive to “get back in line”

· The pressure we get to stop rocking the boat

· What happens when women, or anyone, insists on having their voice heard and their version of reality respected.

Systems don’t like to change.
People in power don’t like to let go.

It was the women at that time who were the real heroines. They pushed down the doors over the next few years..of doctors and of those gatekeepers and because of the new tool they now had to connect to each other, the internet, they were unstoppable.

They were able to talk to other women like themselves for the first time which allowed them to connect the dots of their own lives. Those women are the reason neurodivergent women today feel a sense of belonging and understanding.

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As for me, I survived and because of that experience, more than that: I thrived.

That speech was a turning point—for me, and, in a way, for the field of women with ADHD. We grew up together -fast

• Women won the day in that ballroom.

• Adults with ADHD slowly entered the mainstream conversation.

• The field began to shift—imperfectly, slowly, but undeniably.

And I won my own private battle:

• The battle to keep speaking after feeling shamed

• The battle to trust what I saw and what I knew

• The battle to claim my own voice

That was my “Trial by Fire”

And I didn’t burn up.
Instead, I forged a new path forward.

So the message from all this to my neurodivergent sisters is “dig deep!”

Stand up!

Say what you think, what you feel, what you know.

Expect push back.. go through the fire and emerge stronger than ever!

Remember, though, you must have support around you.

Start gathering those people who can see you and value you and who will stand with you.

Who knows, one day, you might just find yourself standing up for them.

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